You got fired? Oh, boo hoo! Like nobody else ever got fired before. Instead of expecting the world to hand you a good job on a silver platter, how about you take charge of your life? Temp. No one wants you cuz you don’t have skills? Here’s how to boost those skills: Temp.

     Just temp.

     You call the shots. You’re in control. Want to stay home? You do. Want to work half the year, then ski the slopes the other half? You do that too. Want to educate yourself, write a book, start a biz, earn some fast cash? Then temp.

     Here’s how: The temp agency will test you first to make sure you’re "presentable" and that you know how to use Microsoft Word, Excel, etc. Practice the basics at a computer store, local library, or on your current job. Plop yourself down in Barnes & Noble and pore over all those Dummy books until you’re well-acquainted with the software. Bone up on typing too, because that’s the other big thing they look for. If your blood is tainted with the godawful weed, then stay off it a month to clear the system. Use the time to train yourself for their tests. Then, when you’re confident you’ll pass with flying colors, go in and take their entrance exams. Be sure to dress nice, act like a decent human being, and you’ll impress them.

     Wowwee! You’re in! They think you’re a genius! Now the fun begins. They send you on assignments. Some suck. Some don’t. Keep a positive attitude. Remember you’re better than them. Most temp jobs require you to do little or nothing or next-to-nothing. Sit at a desk and get paid for hardly even flexing your buttock muscles.

     So whadaya do all day? Most temps are lazy. They just sit there and vegetate. You’re smart, though. You planned ahead the night before. You prepared a bunch of stuff to do. For instance, maybe you cut out job ads from the newspaper. Tomorrow at work you type up your résumé (on their computer), pilfer some snazzy paper (from their supply closet), and make printouts (on their HP Laser). Congratulations—you’re getting paid to job search!

     Or do what I do: write books on the job. Or short stories, or magazine articles, or produce your zine—whatever you’re into. (Pop quiz: Where do you think I am right now? Hint: I’m wearing a tie and ignoring a ringing telephone.)

     You gotta think like that: gotta be positive. Be forward-thinking. Sure, temp work can be gruntwork sometimes, but think long-term. Set a goal. Make a plan. Twist the system to your ends. How often do you get to do that? Hardly ever, right? Usually everyone’s out to get you, you have no control. But in temping you are in control. You decide when to sign up with the agency (and you’re smart enough to approach them only after attaining the skills). You decide which jobs to take, and which to bypass. You decide when you’ve had enough.

     Oh, sure, they can fire you, but it’s no big deal—it was just a temp job anyway.

     And there’re dozens of agencies. Play the field.

     Temping is growing by leaps and bounds. Most see temping as a leap into hell. They’re bitter because they’re out of work, relegated to tortuous warehouse work, or headache-inducing data entry. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Those lame temps would rather complain than improve their lot. You can improve yourself and thus raise your status in the temping community. If the agency sends you on lousy assignments, ask what you need to do to win better jobs—then do it. Maybe it requires taking some of their free training classes. Maybe it means washing the flaming Manic Panic out of your hair. What say? No can do? You’re not gonna conform to Societal Rules? Well, I’ve got news for you, panther, it’s easier to infiltrate the system and undermine it when you look like one of them. Comb your hair, tighten the noose around your neck, and go into it with a professional attitude. Once you’re in, then you can goof off. Then you can make 5,000 photocopies of your rave flyer. Then you can walk off with electric fans and toner cartridges, and whatever other lil doggies ya’all wrangle up from the Supply Closet Corral.

     Wait a sec, I hear some grumble rumbles from the rear. Temps get paid peanuts, you gripe? Oh, and I suppose moping around the house is raking in a fortune. Temping gives you the chance to reclaim your life. Do what you want, on your terms, when you want, and still maintain links to the corporate world so you can go back to it again if it comes to that.

     And if it doesn’t…that’s fine too. You were smart. You used your temp time wisely. You sat at your desk and studied for the GREs…or the HSPTs…or LSATs…so you’re always ready to go back to school and head for the next level. Or maybe you used your temp time (on the job, remember) to work on freelance transcriptions…or copy editing…or book reviewing…or web page design…or whatever freelance jobs your entrepreneurial side has taken on this month, thereby earning double-pay for half the work.

     OR—

     Maybe you sat at your temp job and made cold calls to 150 prospective clients, drumming up sales for your fiendish money-making scheme. (And maybe the next sucker you call will buy into it.) But even if they don’t, that’s okay, because there’s always tomorrow. Always another temp job willing to set you up with a paid-for office and phones and supplies, hire you to do nothing except run your scam—and pay you for it.

     Remember to cover your rosy ass, though. Do any meager work they assign you at your temp job. Then, when you’re done, have your way with their equipment. If you’re (ahem) writing an article on their office computer, save it on a disk and bring it home with you at the end of the work day. You don’t want to save it on their hard drive only to blunder in the next morning, find you’ve been kicked out and you can’t resurrect your potential Pulitzer from its silicon grave.

     I’ve had a lot of fun temping. I walk out with a free and easy mind at the end of the day—no strenuous unpaid overtime like at my last real job. No heavy workload. No responsibility from one day to the next. If it gets too intense—quit. If it gets too boring—read a book, surf the web, clip coupons, or write angry letters-to-editors. I’ve worked on everything from my taxes to my toenails at temp jobs. It sure is great getting paid to participate in the monotony of one’s own life. It gives me more free time when I get home, because I don’t have to waste my time fuming over credit card bills, junk mail, or handling bureaucratic nightmares—for they were all handled on the job, during work hours. My at-home time is my own time, to do with as I please. Temping brings me freedoms I wouldn’t have otherwise. I can take vacations during the off-season so the theme parks are empty instead of packed ten-deep with sweating sardines. And I can—oh yes, I knew I was forgetting something:

     Women.

     Yeh, women temp, and (if you’re a woman—) men temp too. And you know what happens when both men and women temp together?

     FUCKING!

     For the socially agile, the temp agency is like a romp at Hef’s mansion (before the kid). You prance in each morning all dolled up, and hang out with a bunch of similar-minded people, many of whom are as horny as you. I’ve been both the object of pick-ups and instigator thereof. Many pick-ups succeed. Some at the agency, some on the job.

     The job:

     Every day (or week, or two-weeks) you move on to a new place, and you charm the pants off every opposite-sex cutie you come across at each of those temp jobs. After a while you’re dating multiple people, each of whom works at a different company and who therefore exist in entirely different social circles from the others: No chance of discovery.

     And it doesn’t hurt to bond with any other cool people you happen to meet as you swing from one job to the next on your journey through Planet Temp. For as you meet new people the party opportunities begin to escalate geometrically, the babes-to-you ratio pops higher to infinity and your life becomes the exciting fun-filled frolic only previously obtainable by teenage TV stars.

     So temping rocks. Temping rolls. Does temping solve all problems such as ending world peace and sustaining world hunger (or vice versa)? No, but you don’t care about that. You care about you. You’re on the way to repairing your life. If you’re currently not working, consider temping as something to do, at least a little bit, to help learn the skills needed to pursue your dream job. If you are working a miserable job for a slimy Boss Hogg who stabs you in the back when he’s not screaming down your front—well, maybe that’s a job you don’t need—and maybe you can find a better one through temping. Want to take some time off and plan the next 30 years of your life? Try temping as an easy way to stay afloat upon the sea of your indecision. Temping allows you to dip your toes into different occupations until you find one that best suits your demeanor.

     I’ve turned to temping many times in my life. When I was in school and needed money. When I was out of school and in-between jobs (because I’d been fired, or laid-off, or fired again). Temping always seems to be there for me. I’ve met many people through temping, many of whom are disgusted by it. But I refuse to feel that way. I’m enraptured by temping, for it allows me a foothold into normalcy (but only a tiny foothold) while allowing the rest of me to lead a Bohemian, carefree, journalistic, artistic existence. I can pursue my dreams and my private ventures (writing and scientific pursuits) while earning some dough and scoring brownie points on my résumé. Temping is so versatile for so many people, for so many reasons—that’s why I so highly recommend it.l

     For more information, read The Temp Worker’s Guide To Self-Fulfillment: How To Slack Off, Achieve Your Dreams, And Get Paid For It, by Dennis Fiery, published by Loompanics Unlimited.

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